When The Time Comes
by Es-chan
Summary: Gackt has a secret he can't tell anyone ever since he got himself into problems with it. He can't even bear to tell the one who is closer to him then anyone has ever been. ManaxGackt


**_Chapter one -Be Where I Am-_**

It took some time before I realised what had changed when I awoke in the morning. Something had disappeared and I didn't miss it. Because of my tiredness I couldn't think of what, I didn't want to know it anyway.

I arose from the comfortable sheets on my bed and was shocked when I took a look to the right. The most beautiful man on earth was there. Sleeping in serine silence next to me.

I couldn't believe the things that had happened. Normally only my dreams were peaceful, but the night before and this moment were also. I thought the night was a dream, such peacefulness as yesterday wasn't possible on earth, with a human being. Which only made clear the man next to me wasn't one, he must have been an angel or another mystical creature.  
I didn't want to wake him, I was scared he would realise what he had done with such a low human as me, I was scared of him leaving. He would despise me, regret everything he had done with me…

Suddenly he opened his eyes, they were a little red from sleep, but still had their mystical glint in them. Slowly he blinked twice, soft, thick lashes brushing his skin.

Please don't say you're hurt… If you do, you should know I never intended to hurt you.

He arose from the bed and searched his way to me with a hazy, sleepy mind. He was half leaning over me when he softly kissed my bottom lip. "What are you so unsure about..?" his soft voice asked.

I swallowed, my heart was bouncing. My lip was tintling and I longed for another comforting kiss. So that I gave him, only it wasn't comforting at all. I retreated and was staring at the lipstick-less lips. There had been blue on them the night before, but I had kissed it all away.

"What are you unsure about?"

"Does it matter..?"

"It does, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. I have seen you like that enough already."

The angel, Mana, stroked the back of two fingers against my cheek. I was shaking a little under his touch, but uncontrollably under his eyes. Although it wasn't visible, I felt like an earthquake. Or more like a volcano; if he didn't take of his beautiful, dark eyes of off mine in a few seconds, I would explode. Why did it feel like his eyes were looking directly into my soul? I felt so damn vulnerable.

Then he kissed me again. So soft, it was merely a kiss. He lead his head against my bare chest and comforted me.

"Relax… It took you so long before you finally relaxed under my touch the other day… Am I going to have to break down your barrier again?"

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be... You're scared aren't you? I know it all, you're scared, unsure… But why?"

"I will tell you when the time comes."

Actually I never intended to tell anyone, but it didn't matter. I just wanted him to stop worrying about me, it wasn't needed.

"You need to tell, so I can help you."

Mana looked up at me, his brown eyes twinkling a little in the morning sun that peeped through my curtains.

"Or tell me what to do to have you less scared."

"There's nothing… Just… Stay for a little while…"

"I wasn't planning on leaving you very soon. I have to make you breakfast."

I frowned at this, I should be the one making him breakfast, since we were at my place.

"I can make breakfast myself."

Mana's mouth curled into a small smile, one you very rarely saw on his face. I started trembling slightly again, the idea of him smiling almost never, but smiling for me right now… I felt honoured.

"I saw what you kept in your refrigerator, nothing but nutrition's. You should eat something decent, a French breakfast for example."

Mana lead his head on my chest again, his soft hair tickling my skin. It fell against my upper legs, because of it's length. I looked down, directly into the waving sea of darkness, but wasn't scared of it. Normally I was scared of the angry, dark waves that surrounded Japan. But Mana's hair was beautiful.

I tilted up my right hand and softly stroked through a few strands of dark hair, carefully, not to ruin it's perfect ness.

"I don't have anything to make French breakfast…" I finally whispered.

"I know…"

There was silence again, it was obvious that Mana didn't want to talk. He was enjoying my hand stroking through his hair, with closed eyes and mouth slightly open, taking soft breathes.

"Don't fall asleep again…"

He shook his head drowsily and murmured something I couldn't hear. I didn't dare to ask him what he had said, I wasn't planning on disturbing the peacefulness in him. Yes he was at peace, he surely wasn't planning on leaving me… I hoped… It was so different from what others had told me, saying I would never be loved. They had been right until last night… Unless Mana was just tired and didn't feel like walking out of my apartment, unless he was playing tricks on me, deceiving me…

"Don't stop stroking…"I looked down at my hand, it was formed into a fist and resting softly on Mana's head. I opened it again and only used my fingers to stroke through Mana's hair. A little harder then before and Mana seemed to enjoy it. He enclosed his arms around my torso and so we were as close as possible, one side of his upper body pressed against my stomach and the side of his face against my chest. I knew he could hear my heart beating very fast.

"Relax." He commanded.

Sure, relax on commando. Like I could do that. I was being watched by so many different eyes, that I couldn't even count them anymore. For Mana it was like we were the only ones in the room. It wasn't difficult for him to relax.

However, there were more and more eyes appearing from dark corners in my room which were watching every breath I took and every blink I made. I became more and more nervous, why did they come back? They were gone yesterday, they left me alone with Mana. I was so lucky, I wished for them to stay away forever. But within just one night they came back again, from the moment I awoke they were watching me again. I wish people would just be dead when they had died.

Suddenly I realised Mana was looking directly into my eyes, my fear must have been very easy for him to see.  
I looked back at him and slowly but surely all the eyes in my room, except for Mana's, faded away. I felt terribly relieved and smiled slightly at those dark eyes in front of me.

"What was wrong..?" Mana asked softly, worry very obvious in his voice.

"I will tell you when the time comes."

I didn't want to tell anymore… But maybe I could once tell someone again..? Only him.

"Can't you tell me now? I won't tell anyone… I won't leave you, if that's what scares you…"

That reminded me of what my mother once had said to me… I had told her my secret, and she didn't leave me, but she did let me leave her.

"I didn't know you were so vulnerable… You seem so confident during band practice…"

I knew. It was when I made music that the spirits left me. I used to hate to play the piano, but now it was my cure. The beauty of the sound that was released from the instrument made the ghosts disappear. Maybe they couldn't stand beauty. That would explain why they left when I was with Mana, he was more beautiful then anything.

"I promise I will tell you… Someday…"

Mana smiled at me, the sun from the window was somewhat brighter then before and was now lightening his whole face. I swear he looked like an angel, the only thing missing were his white, soft wings.

"I promise I will have you eaten a decent breakfast before that day comes."

I smiled at the silly promise, which made Mana smile even brighter then before. He still had his arms loosely around my torso and I had my hand at the base of his neck, it seemed it had drifted from his head to that point. It was the perfect opportunity to kiss his bare lips, I pulled a little on his neck and the next moment our lips touched. Our eyes closed automatically at the contact, wanting to enjoy every moment of the kiss without being distracted by anything around us. Without being distracted by ghosts I might add in my situation.  
Mana opened his mouth slightly, I almost directly invaded it with my tongue and softly stroked it against his lips, then I had found his tongue. He began moving it with mine in an almost musical rhythm. I could actually hear the music invading my ears… Though I soon realised it were Mana's soft moans.

Suddenly I felt a cold wind blowing through the room, I opened my eyes just a little, and realised I shouldn't had. I saw a white blur that became more and more clear, just behind Mana. It was the same thing I had always seen but this time it was dangerously close. A face was forming in the whiteness and it looked at me as if it was planning on killing me.

"Fuck!"

I almost choked in the kiss and felt my heart skip a beat. I backed away from Mana, who, I think, was looking at me with a bewildered look. I couldn't really tell, since I was looking past him and into two dark eyes which were almost killing me with only it's looks.  
I did saw Mana's shocked movements somewhere at the bottom of my view and saw him turning around to what I was staring at. The moment his eyes met the ghost's ones, the ghost screeched and faded away.

I was still staring at the place where the ghost had been, while Mana turned around again. He was trying to get my attention by grabbing one of my hands with both of his. He called my name a couple of times and finally, after a few times, I reacted.

I looked down at him while he was still speaking and asking, "What's wrong!? You have to tell me! I have to help-"

"Shut up! You can't help, okay!?"

I immediately regretted the fact that I had screamed against an angel. But my mind was lost, people thought they could help me… By putting me into a mental hospital!?

"Everyone says they can help, but they can't! They only lock you up and you're left with even more haunting images then before!"

Now even Mana was looking at me like I was crazy, just like everyone else did.

"Do not look at me like that!"

I had to stop screaming at him. Mana couldn't help the fact that I saw ghosts..!

"Who wants to lock you up..?"

His voice was very soft, the opposite of mine actually, and there was worry in it. Deep and painful... I realised that the look he gave me a few seconds ago wasn't the look that others had always given me. It had been a worried look. He was worried about me…

I took a deep breath and tried to calm my thoughts. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then looked at him again. He was waiting patiently, with worried eyes, on my answer.

"It's nothing… Please forget it… I'm so sorry I yelled at you…"

"Gackt!" Obviously he wasn't satisfied with my answer. "We were kissing, it felt great… To me it did at least. Suddenly you get incredibly scared, you were almost in shock and before I knew it you started yelling at me!"

He sat up straight and looked directly into my eyes. He was still holding my hand with one of his and he was starting to get a rather firm grip on it. My fingertips were already turning red…

"Do you think I will just let you get scared and angry in front of me, against me, for no reason!?"

He almost spat the last part of the sentence into my face like it was something extremely bitter he just couldn't bare to swallow.  
I looked almost defeated into his angry eyes. It would have been okay if you had thought that I was crazy… But now you were angry at me for not telling you what makes me crazy…

"Don't be angry, Mana…"

I took my hand out of Mana's and laid it on top of his. I stroked my thumb over the back of the hand and looked at it while I continued to whisper, "I have a problem Mana, I don't want to tell you because as far as I know, the people to who I have told reacted like I was crazy… I don't want you to think I'm crazy. Also, please don't be angry at me for not telling you my problem…"

"I don't want you to keep secrets from me…"

He sounded hurt. It was the first time I had heard his voice tremble like that. All the steadiness, which I remembered him to have since the day I had first met him, was gone.

I took my hand from his and brought it against his waist. I tried to get a little grip on his body with only one hand and softly pushed him against me. He immediately circled his arms around my waist and I did the same with him. We were holding each other, just like we had previously. His soft cheek against my chest, his ear listening to the now steady beating of my heart. My chin was resting on his soft, dark hair.

"Haven't I promised I will soon tell you..? I really promise I will. When I'm ready…"

"Is it that hard for you to tell..?" I felt the corner of Mana's lips move against my chest while he was talking.

"It is… Please understand."

He nodded.

"What can I do, when you get scared like you just did, to help you?"

I smiled slightly and moved my head down a little, so my lips came in contact with his hair, which I kissed softly. I felt that he shuddered a little under the light touch.

"Be where I am… Look where I'm looking…"

He tilted his head upwards, giving me a questioning look.

"Does that help you?"

I looked down, directly into his eyes, a warm smile on my lips.

"It does."


End file.
